21.01.2008, 6:44 am
It's been a long while since I've written. I think this is primarily because, up until this point I've believed that I've had sufficient means with which to express myself to the point of silencing whatever compulsion I felt to speak, even in unwelcome terms. I spoke because I felt heard, and being heard inclined me further to speak, but in the end I am afraid it was all a series of very beautiful and delicate methods through which my own voice was stifled. To truly speak is to be truly heard, and I was not, because I can only ever truly be heard by myself.
Trapped in this mental mosque I am painting and orating in and around myself, all over myself, inside myself, but always by myself. So sacred and in such a sense of solitude, so volatile and such explosions of sensation...but silent. Silence all around. In some ways I am troubled and yet it is the ways in which I feel further peace that cause me continued strife. I take comfort in reuniting with myself because I think I have been anticipating this eventual necessity since we were separated. And, it is in realization of this eventual necessity that I am truly troubled.
I wrote for years...for years about feeling alone in this world. Surrounded by people, but in the end, always ever alone. At times I believed this could be different, that it could change, but time and time again I found myself trapped further and deeper within myself. After some time I reached a point where I knew I could never leave. This is my home. What I feel and think isn't meant to leave, it isn't meant to bleed out of my veins or trickle from my eyes or float from between my lips. The hue, salinity, and decibel are not meant for human eyes, tongue, or ears. I am not above or below it, I am simply not of it.
I am comforted by returning home but I am pained by my comfort. I am afraid at the prospect of remaining here for the rest of my life but I am at peace knowing that at least I have somewhere to go.
I feel conflicted, and I know from my own experience that feeling conflicted is far superior to feeling nothing at all. For this, believe me, I am grateful.
