10.07.2006, 2:44 am
He collapsed in my arms in the street. His weight pushed me to the ground as I tried to catch him, but stumbled to my knees and cradled his torso. He was sobbing…sobbing and punching himself. The noise around us slowed, stuttered and froze. The voices of the world filled our ears with deafening silence and the bright lights vanished. Quiet, soft emptiness, and me on my knees.
He came and went from my life like a recurring dream, a smile or a frown and his fists buried in my stomach. He would come to me and fill me with his hunger and desperation as my heart swelled and broke for him. I fed him with my hope and with my peace and he took from me my humanity. Raping me and blessing me, promising and lying to me. A dark cloud, pulsating with the stink of fermented drinks and deceptive sedatives. I stumbled to my knees and held him in my arms, held him against me and felt him tearing me apart. I found myself less of a human being for it, and found him stronger than ever before.
He takes and I give, he lives and I die. A nightmare. A disease. An ailment for which there is no remedy.
I have promised myself that I will conquer the world. I will conquer all obstacles, all obstacles in front of both you and I, and then I will burn what I leave in my wake. In my wake I leave a twisting, insidious mass of the past. Visions of body parts, human waste at my feet, blood smeared on my breasts, stabbing and cutting and flames. Hot, desperate flames. Everything escaping me, everyone dying, everywhere burning. I leave this in my wake as I move upward and over. Conquering every sight ever seen and every event ever experienced. Murdering, bludgeoning, destroying all in each direction. I feel the past pushing toward me and pulling me, sucking my feet below the earth.
I find myself on my knees, and wrapping my arms around evil. Evil... My own evil. Out of shame, out of hope, I soothe. I soothe and cradle and transfer energy. I set out to conquer and am conquered. Conquered by my own undoing. He undoes me, unravels me, leaves me. Once the world has returned to its normal speed and status I am weak and weary.
I have promised myself I will conquer the world. One day. One day I will finally be free where he can never find me.
