13.10.2006, 4:30 am

Elephant is an incredibly painful movie to watch, and yet it is worthwhile. It's the only movie I've ever seen that I would refer to as "art". The shots, or "scenes" aren't particularly engaging in general. They aren't particularly exciting, or memorable, or funny, or intellectually stimulating. That's the realism of it. If you followed around a group of high school students who were ALONE more often than not, would you be excited? Amused? Intellectually stimulated? Would it be "fun"? This absence of entertainment value, in a sense, is what makes it "art". Ultimately you realize that the drudgery serves as an eerie contrast to the incredible horror. The other students are SO unsuspecting that it's pitiful. The tragic irony is nearly insufferable.

Now that I've seen it before...the buildup is almost terrifying. It truly makes me want to scream at the screen, or say or do something to prevent the climax, but the viewer is helpless. You are helplessly watching the slow, steady buildup toward the conclusion. It feels so real that it hurts. Yet the realism is what keeps you from looking away. I could barely stand to watch it the first time because I found it so boring, but the second time around it's a totally different experience. It's very rare that you as a viewer feel more emotion for the story than the characters themselves, but their understated reactions seem to give the viewer the opportunity to freely project their own feelings. You feel like the dominant force in the film even though you are the most removed.

The scene in the cafeteria after Alex is bullied now gives me chills. He scribbles calmly in a notepad and is asked by an innocent, curious female student: "What are you writing?" He smiles and says, "My plan". Once you've seen his plan in motion, first-hand, it gives his words an incredible amount of weight.

Painful.

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Last week I took my first graduate level exam and it was also my first midterm. I was sure that I bombed it, and the pure terror over the thought caused me to cry during the exam. Yes, I know how that sounds, but I felt like an absolute and total failure. I was so angry at myself and felt so trapped. Then I went to my car and cried some more.

Today I found out that I got a B on it, and was at the class average. That made me feel a million times better. I also took my second abnormal psych exam today and am curious about the results. I didn't really study for the first and got a D. The grade was dropped (hopefully as it shall be my lowest) and this was my second opportunity to do the right thing. My hypothesis is that studying will increase the student's grade on an exam. We will see if I am right...

I was so panicked that I contemplated dropping out of school, running away, as well as the great old standby of suicide. I was very desperate and disturbed at my academic performance. I stopped living for four years. I only started living again when I felt I had something to live for, and that was my pursuit of an education. Now I am finally here. If I screw this up then what else do I have? I will have wasted two years, and suffered through four more in vain.

I am not sleeping much anymore...and something tells me that if most other UVA students slept this little they'd have all of their textbooks memorized. Why do I need so much MORE time to accomplish so much LESS than they?

I can barely keep my eyes open but I am too afraid to fall asleep. CAN'T SLEEP, ACADEMIC PROBATION WILL EAT ME

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