11.01.2007, 2:19 am
God. I really don't want a diet diary. I hate diet diaries. However, I want to lose 50 pounds and I am assuming this will dominate whatever free thinking I am afforded outside of my academics. I guess "diet" is a misnomer because I think diets are crap. If you have to do on a diet it's because your current diet is not right for your body to maintain whatever shape you want. Whenever you go off the new diet...you'll be back on the diet that's not right for your body. Diets are only temporary solutions. When I go on "diets" that's really my way of saying I need to go back to healthy and conscientious eating.
Hmm... 50 pounds is a lot of weight. That's SO much weight. I am a fatass. God it SUX. I have decided this and so I will lose the weight. I won't think about the number!
I consume so much sugar on a daily basis (this is true) that when I cut back, such as now, I suffer from extreme headaches. I am suffering from one as we speak. I calculated that my Chipotle burritos were ~1500 calories a piece. HAHAHA. Ughh. I have begun measuring out my food (as I am unable thus far to eyeball it) and you might be shocked to learn how small our portions are really supposed to be. Well, those of you (two) who eat carelessly!
My mom hasn't called me since my birthday. I don't know if that's because she is trying to make a point or because she knows better than to call me. Why is she SUCH A BITCH?? Who does that?? We have a huge annual blow-out right around her birthday, which is over the summer, so this is quite out of place. Maybe it's connected to her menopause. I was checking out self-help books from the library in middle school. I knew from a very young age that my family was dysfunctional and that I was dysfunctional as a result. I guess the fact that I was stabbing and slicing myself had something to do with that. Pretty big sign.
Anyway, I acknowledged at quite a young age that my mother had problems with maintaining close relationships. I knew she had serious communication problems. I've spent the past few years trying to change anything about myself that resembled my mother, and when she does that shit again I just tell myself I don't need it and walk away. She won't listen to reason. She just...won't. You can't engage her in the heat of the moment, and you can't engage her when she's cooled down. You can't even engage her when your concerns are totally disconnected from any conflict. She just CANNOT be criticized. She cannot be questioned. My mother has never once apologized in regards to a conflict in her life. I mean this literally. Neither has my father. Neither one of them has apologized for a single thing since I have known them as a child, and neither of them claims to have ever apologized before. They just don't do it. My parents believe they are who they are, that they're the best possible versions of themselves, and they ALWAYS immediately become defensive and attack the other person. Usually...that would be me.
I mean it can go like this:
Me: Mom. When you call my cell phone and I don't answer I would appreciate it if you would accept that I am either A: busy, or B: unable to hear it ringing. It would be nice if you could just leave a message and be patient and I will call you back as soon as I reunite with my cell phone.
Mom: Oh, you're right. I only pay for the goddamn thing. I pay for the goddamn thing to just sit there so you can ignore me.
Me: Mom. I appreciate that you pay for the cell phone, I truly do, because otherwise I couldn't afford one. I'm just saying that if I don't answer your call on the first ring that there's probably a good reason, like class or a shower or dinner or the bathroom, and it might be a good idea for you to just be patient.
Mom: Fine. You know what? You can pay for your own goddamn phone. You pay the damn bills and deal with the damn Sprint people and all the crap that goes along with it. You want to try and call the shots and tell me what to do while you sit on your lazy ass and make me pay for it all? Whatever. I don't care. Bye. *click*
Then I sit there analyzing what I did wrong. The answer is usually either 'nothing', or 'nothing to merit such an extreme reaction'. Of course, if she had a genuine issue with my style of communication GOD FORBID SHE COMMUNICATE THAT TO ME. Most people would hang up from a call like that and say, "Boy, she must be having a bad day!" No, that's not a bad day for my mother. That's every day for my mother. I can't deal with her and I don't want to.
So my mom is giving me silent treatment (mmm, paradise) and I'm fat. (SUX)
LET THE GOOD TIMES ROLL.
