29.05.2007, 8:24 am
This past week I was out of town. It was the first opportunity I have had since going back to school to reflect on the life I have chosen for myself.
I really do not like my life. I hated what I made myself into after I quit high school, and for good reason, but I have since spent the past three years trying to make up for it. I just can't make up for it. Worse still is that I dropped out of school to please some pathetic part of myself, and now I live solely to please others. The absolute worst is that even in a life lived solely for everyone else I find that no one else is satisfied. No one else is pleased with who I am.
I am surrounded by some of the wealthiest, most well-educated and dedicated students in the U.S. I'm not like them and I'll never be like them. I want so badly to be someone different, and to please someone else, and in the end I can't even live with myself.
I don't know what I want to do with my life. I hate my college and I hate being in school. I hate my fucking house. I hate my superficial, empty friends.
I am not permitted by others to bitch about my life because I am a financially privileged individual. I have wondered why it is that I can be given a blank check for my education and I can still find room to complain. I don't know. I do not fucking know but I absolutely hate it. I have to go to college or I'll never be the person that everyone else is expecting me to be. Even if I weren't in school what would I be doing? Working some menial job trying to put together money to make something better of myself? I've got the money, I just don't know how to be a better me.
I don't fucking care anymore. No one can tell me because I have money that I don't feel exactly what you feel. I have realized this.
I fucking hate my life and I've done it all to myself.
