02.06.2007, 1:08 am
A long while ago I wrote about how my life had changed so much. It had truly changed, and it continues to change, but what was so remarkable to me was that my old feelings of discomfort and introspective wonder had faded. I was no longer the little contemplative introvert I had grown to become. In all the time I struggled with myself, and fought with myself, I hoped and prayed that my constant thinking and wondering would end. I prayed that all of the words and feelings would finally, and at long last, leak from my mouth and from my fingers, and I could be at peace.
So long I had fought with myself to try and rid myself of the evil and anxious things I constantly thought. The fears, the regrets, and the insufferable anger. I was all so angry and sad, and I had nowhere to turn with it but to shine it inward to pierce the darkness of my quiet heart. I became inflamed by my own disturbed eyes, and I watched myself burn and waited to die.
When I decided to make different decisions, and pushed myself out into the world, my mind became still. My feelings softened, my thoughts quieted. All of those entries I wrote containing vivid scenes of suffering and solitude became obsolete and I seemed to have risen above it all. I was a new person-- a better person, and the ashes of my memories were an ideal source for the growth of new life.
Strangely, I began to miss it. With the death of my inner turmoil came the death of any passion I once felt. My lust, my dedication and desire, my dreams and aspirations, and even my own hopes all died as well. With the extinguishing of my overwhelming fear came the loss of overwhelming courage, and all other pairings followed. I had become what I had always wanted. I had become the average teenager who is satisfied, who is calm, who is at peace. I became absolutely the wrong person.
I don't want to fade and burn out, and I don't want to shut myself off. I can open myself up to you, and to the world, and continue to flood it with my thoughts and my feelings. I am not a burden, I am a blessing, and to silence those parts of myself that yearn to scream the loudest I am silencing the person I am meant to be. I am not a mouse, I am a lion. I am not a sparrow, I am a hawk. I am not a minnow, I am a barracuda.
I am a candle burning, as it is my fate to burn. In the end I will cause my own extinguishing, but in the meantime I will light up the world, and it will be beautiful.
