22.06.2007, 3:53 pm
I dread even the things about my life that are supposed to be the best.
I dread the beginning of the fall semester when courses commence and all of my friends and classmates return to Charlottesville. I DREAD it. When I am alone here in the city, with only my summer session peers, I don't think I look so badly by comparison. After all, the ones who are doing the really awesome productive shit are elsewhere. They're doing internships, taking courses abroad, traveling on missions, engaging in volunteer work...away from here. Away from me.
Come fall all of the ambitious fuckfaces will return. I am not a very ambitious individual. I want a comfortable career with a comfortable home. I don't want a lot of money or power. Unfortunately, to obtain that comfortable situation I am afraid I need the ambition of those who desire the power I would never want. I live in constant fear since leaving the teaching program because I've taken an incredible risk. I was assured a MT in two years from now. Two years from now I would've already graduated with a graduate degree. God, the thought of it almost kills me.
Of course, I realized that it wasn't right for me. RIGHT? Yes... I'm pretty sure.
Not even to mention the fact that the campus will again look like it's hosting a cheerleading camp every day. As vapid as they may be they are still both beautiful and destined to be far more successful than myself. Even the male students who pass the time Thursday-Sunday with ramming their heads into things and pawing at women have better grades than I do and actually manage to get the internships I'm denied. WTF does that say about me?
I don't want to bitch and moan, but I see this writing as an extension of my own thoughts. Instead of just imagining this shit I'm seeing myself say it. All I know is that it will be refreshing to take a summer course again. 18 students, one professor, only one course, ample time to study and write. Maybe this time I can fucking do well.
